It’s been almost 2 weeks since the miscarriage. It seems to get harder every day. Finally the physical part is over which is such a relief but in a strange way it made the the emotional part hit me like a brick fence. For the last two days it took everything in me to even lift myself to get out of bed. During the day I manage to function and take care of what needs to be taken care of but by nighttime I’m exhausted. Of course when nighttime comes I can’t sleep. I average about 4ish hours a night never more then 2 without waking up. I thought postpartum depression was he worst thing I’d ever felt. But this is so much worse. I mean I had the sleep issues, the sadness, the depression, but a lot of it was anger I was very short I had a lot of anxiety and frustration. I’ve moved past all anger (which is strange for me) and I just have this overwhelming feeling of sadness and guilt. Before you even think it I know this isn’t my fault, but it was my job to take care of Baby To Be Named Later and I think it’s normal for me to feel some guilt. Honestly mostly it’s just sadness. I feel like I have this black pit in my insides and it’s slowly consuming more and more of my being. I just want to come out on the other side of this without losing to much of myself. I feel like I’d finally come out of my postpartum issues and I did I lost a little piece of myself with it, but I also gained I have Colin. But now I feel like I’m losing all over again and this time I have no reward for survival. Seriously I had no idea how I was going to get out of bed yesterday or this morning. I made myself do it and I did it and I guess that’s something. But honestly I live everyday for that moment I can come back to bed and hide. I’m happy that Charles will be home for the next 3 days (he has 3 day weekends) and we’ll have some fun. I’m going to have date night with Charles tomorrow night in hopes to brighten my spirit, Saturday is Halloween and we’re going to pass out candy, and Sunday I’m having lunch with an old friend from high school who I haven’t seen in years! Also I’m going to go for a run tomorrow morning, I know I’ve been saying that for almost a week now but I really am tomorrow. My knee is fine now and I need this, I need to run this off and get it out of my brain for a while. Especially since Colin has a doctors appointment and I’m going to have to hold it together during shots!
Thanks for reading all of this, I was just bubbling over tonight and needed to get it out of my head.
Have you thought about joining an online support group so you can talk to people who are in similar situations? I know that a good friend of mine who lost her daughter has found facebook groups invaluable in helping her just get through each day as well as she can… she has made a lot of good friends through these groups too. Just a thought.
I looked at them a few days ago and they just made me more sad. Everyday there is someone else with a new loss and it opens it up all over again. Thanks though.
I didn’t think of it that way. I guess they aren’t for everyone.
It’s a good idea though I was suprised because with my PPD that is where I found some great contacts who were a huge help in my recovery.
I guess this is a very different situation so you need to deal with it differently …in a way that is best for you. I hope your blog is helping a little.
I keep trying to think of something to say, but I don’t think anything I can say will make it better. Just know that people are here for you and to keep running and keep talking. Especially the last part.
<3
Thanks Amanda I appreciate it.
Amanda is right.. we might not understand what you are going through. But we are all happy to listen to whatever you need to say if it helps.
I am sorry if I upset you with the group thing, I didn’t mean to give unwanted advice. But unwanted advice is usually what you give when you try to help.. From now on I am all ears (or eyes) and that is all.
You didn’t upset me at all, and you advice is not unwanted. I appreciate that you girls care enough to read this and to leave advice or a little not. That helps a lot it really does. So advice away on any post.
I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I can only begin to imagine how you are suffering. Know we are here for you.
– Katherine
I’m really sorry for your loss. I know it hurts.
The March of Dimes has created a bereavement kit for families who have suffered a loss. You can read about this sensitive and supportive kit, and even order a free one, at this link: http://www.marchofdimes.com/pnhec/572_15999.asp
Wishing you a peaceful heart.
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