But it’s not nearly as angry as the last one.
I don’t feel as angry anymore but there is a sadness that sticks in my throat. I should start with this, I am not a girl who cries. I just don’t do it very often, I didn’t cry when we got engaged although I did shed a few at the wedding, but I mostly laughed. I cried when I found out I was pregnant with Colin, because well I was scared beyond reason. I cried when Colin was born, but only a little. I cried when nurse told me I couldn’t feed Colin properly and pretty much inferred that I was a terrible parent and he was only 2 days old! There were a few tears during my postpartum depression but mostly it was anger. And there have been a handful of times I’ve cried since losing Baby To Be Named Later, but again mostly it’s just been anger. I’m far more likly to be angry and yell and scream then I am to cry. It’s just my nature. But yesterday afternoon and evening there was crying at the stupidest stuff. I cried when I ran into the nursery decor section of the Babies R Us catalog and then I cried later when my husband said he loved me because I feel like I’ve failed him. But the worst was when we decided to watch Madagasgar 2 before bed and I couldn’t make it a whole 2 minutes. A baby lion is pulled away from his daddy by a poacher (bastard). Now I don’t know what happens because well I was crying and Charles was lunging for the remote to turn it off before it could possibly get any worse. I feel like an idiot. I know this is not my fault, the doctor said there was most likely something wrong with the baby and had I carried to full term the baby would have most likely been delievered still born, so I get that this was the lesser of two evils…it still fucking blows!
I mean I didn’t think anything could ruin ultrasounds for me, but the other day at the doctor looking into the dark emptiness that is now my uterus broke my heart all over again. And then I only cried a little, there was a red fire ball of anger inside of me but I only shed a few tears.
I appreciate how lucky I am to have Colin I always have. That doesn’t make this easier, and I think people who think it should are stupid, plain and simple. I am physically and emotionally exhausted. My body has been flushing itself for more then a week and I think it’s about time for a transfusion (yes it’s TMI but it’s the truth people and I could have made it a lot grosser). I’m emotionally exhausted from just the event but on top of that having to still be “Mommy”. I have been lucky because my mom and Charles have been fantastic about taking care of Colin while I’ve been dealing with the physical part of this but I’ve been making a conscious and exhausting effort to be happy and myself in front of Colin, he has had to deal with to much of my depression already in his short life, and I did my best to hide that from him.
I’m so sorry. Found your entry via twitter.
I tried for a year to get pregnant and when I finally did I miscarried. It was heartbreaking but somehow the message seemed to be “at least it…(fill in the blank”) “you can still” “it could be worse…” (akin to having breast cancer and someone saying “hey it’s not LIVER cancer”. I know people mean well but you lost your baby. It doesn’t matter when it happened. It’s okay to grieve that and I never really got to for very long–nobody ever wanted to talk about it. What’s up with people?
Hang in there.
Thanks Amy, it’s true I know they have the best intentions but the delivery is still terrible!
You are such a strong amazing woman! I know I can’t understand exactly how you’re feeling, but I’m here for you if you want to talk. It sounds like you’re doing a great job working on dealing with such a terrible situation. Post as many of these as you need/want to!! We’ll keep listening… even with the TMI
Thanks Tara, it means the support means a lot!
Yes, as Tara said, you’re doing fabulously considering the situation, and we are definitely here for you if you need to talk, if not physically, then emotionally.
I have no experience with this, so I don’t know if it would be just silly or what, but have you considered giving Baby To Be Named Later an actual name and then find a way to properly say goodbye to him/her?
I’ve thought about it but I am afraid it will just make it that much harder. And in a strange way Baby To Be Named Later was his or her name, I mean we called baby that before conception even. I don’t maybe that’s stupid.
It was just a thought. And no matter what you called the baby and no matter how short or long you had it, it was still yours and a part of your family. You’re still going through the grieving process. You’re allowed to be angry and cry and share TMI.
And you shouldn’t feel like an idiot. Because you’re not.
<3
Thanks Amanda. I’m glad I have such a wonderful support system. I’m very lucky in that way.
Stacey, I am just finding out about this, and my heart goes out to you! I had a miscarriage 2 1/2 years ago, and I still think about that loss sometimes (especially because shortly after we found out I would be unable to carry to term again)
A lot of times mother’s feel like it’s wrong to grieve, and they should just count their blessings that they have one, or two, or ten healthy children- but it’s natural to hurt. Don’t ever feel like you can’t post or share about this! (((hugs)))
Stacey -
I’m so glad to see you writing about this. I’m glad you’re getting it out even if it is bit by bit. Don’t apologize for anything, just vent. We understand. ((hugs)) Here if you need me.
Warmest,
Lauren
Pingback: Lost « Life With Postpartum Depression